Aug 234 min read

Personal Boundaries...what is that anyway?

Disclaimer...this is a very novice blog...like very novice- I love feedback so lay it on me lol!

As I sit here on the toilet in the hotel bathroom sipping my coffee so I don’t wake anyone up I started thinking about boundaries and how I have a lack of them and how irritable I am about it…..there’s nothing connecting the toilet and boundaries- just having my coffee here made me really look at the closed bathroom door and see the concrete boundary I put in place so I could enjoy my coffee in peace…strange, I know, but as I age and get older not many things seems to phase me anymore.

It got me thinking- how do other women manage their boundaries as they age and go through perimenopause and menopause and all the crap that goes with it. With the change in hormones, mostly the decrease in estrogen, I have definitely noticed a difference; my patience with EVERYONE is dwindling if not gone altogether…I never had time for stupid people; now my time is in the negative!

Then I get the good ole catholic guilt about that and make myself feel bad that I feel this way…like FFS! (Are you following?)

I have a question- how do you set your boundaries? Is it systematic or on-the-fly kind of thing? Mine typically are set by yelling NO or STOP - or the silent treatment because I have reached the end of my rope and could give two shits - then I pour a stiff one- yes it’s a scotch - neat please - which then makes me realize that is not the best way to approach the situations or to be around my kids ( notice how I am excluding my husband in this one …LOL). Apparently, I set mine to on-the-fly!

I did a little reading …educate myself on how I can set boundaries…. I like to figure shit out on my own- then I will go and ask questions. I will say this- The proverbial ‘they’ really need to include boundary setting classes in each year of school from k- grade 12, so hopefully by the end of grade 12 we may have an inkling of what it means to set boundaries and how to navigate them as we age…and then these classes need to extend into mandatory work sessions throughout our careers!

Claudia Petrilli (Functional Health Coach, Integrative Nutrition Coach and Women’s Health educator) tells us we need to make sure to know exactly who we are giving our energy to and this in turn helps us to create the boundaries we need to help navigate our lives! They are crucial in helping us maintain our mental, emotional and physical health.

Historically as women we are viewed as the primary caregiver; the wife; the mother…the maternal figure that is supposed to give her heart to about absolutely everything and everyone else but herself (I am not excluding men as I know there are amazing men/dads/spouses out there but for the purpose of today we are going to focus on the estrogen/progesterone dominant two-legged mammal!)

As we get older it doesn’t seem to get any easier …- ‘they’ (again, here ‘they’ are) telling us that everything gets easier as we get older- it absolutely bloody well doesn’t! It …gets… harder! That simple!

I will tell you what has not gotten harder to do…give a f*^%!

I am truly bearing down on holding my ground on the give-a-f*^% meter (no pun intended as I sit on the toilet writing this and thinking of what I have to say). I really don’t give a fuck about many things as much as I used to- I say no much more now- a dear friend of mine taught me ‘No.’ is a complete sentence- best advice…ever!

I do what I want to do (within reason- I still have some of that) and when I want to do it. There are only few people I will never say no to - and one of them is my 91 year old grandmother - she has earned the right and respect…immigrated to Canada in the 1950’s, didn’t speak a lick of English and had to make it work on her own with my grandpa- how can you say no to her (that is another story for another day).

I have boundaries on who I decide gets my time after work hours (and lets be real also during work hours) or on the weekends, I have started aligning my boundaries with personal values- I have stopped feeling bad for the time I want to spend on my own doing what I want to do- don’t get me wrong- my family is well taken care of and a top priority I love them- but I choose very wisely who else gets my time outside of my husband and children. I need to make sure it works for me; that I am comfortable (well relatively- this toilet seat is starting to hurt my back end) and that it makes me feel happy. Gina Mitchell tells us that personal boundaries help with self-empowerment and allows us to develop (I should say re-develop) our self worth and honor what the meaning is for us.

I don’t want to make this a long read but wanted to give a shout to all of us women treading the waters of motherhood/wifehood/lifehood (are those even words??!) sisterhood; friendship and all the titles I can’t think of in this moment; I need to really take my own advice better- some days are definitely better than others; and other days I give myself a time out with a bottle of scotch.

…but please remember this:

Be gentle with yourself.

Honor your boundaries.

No. Is in fact a complete sentence.

Drink your coffee on the toilet, locked in a hotel bathroom if it means you get to drink it while it’s hot AND with no interruptions.

Choose who gets your time.

The above list is not exhaustive but I rather a starting point. It is working for me; it's not easy but it's definitely worth it.

Much Love Always